


RC #227 Mission #7: Go Home Canon, You’re Drunk

by SkarmorySilver



Series: Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Response Center #227 [7]
Category: Protectors of the Plot Continuum, 光神話 | Kid Icarus (Video Games), 新・光神話 パルテナの鏡 | Kid Icarus: Uprising (Video Game)
Genre: Alcoholism, Angst, Character possession, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I'll admit that I sporked this purely to recruit the Pit replacement but I'm glad I did, Impetus miserabilis, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mini-Monoeye, Murder, New Recruit - Freeform, PPC Mission, Pit's backstory here didn't gel with the games at all, Rape, Recruitment, Self-Harm, Sporking - Freeform, Sue-wraith, Tickling, Underage Drinking, Wangst, badfic, character replacement, fetishes, minis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-29 05:01:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14465583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkarmorySilver/pseuds/SkarmorySilver
Summary: In which a story has a very hard time establishing what year it’s in.





	RC #227 Mission #7: Go Home Canon, You’re Drunk

**Author's Note:**

> **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia, and all Agents that are not mine belong to their respective owners. _The Incredibles_ (Sarah's home continuum) belongs to Pixar and Brad Bird. _Kid Icarus_ belongs to Nintendo, and _Kid Icarus: Uprising_ specifically belongs to Project Sora and Masahiro Sakurai. Agents Rashida Mafdetiti and Sarah Squall belong to me.  
>  The fic being sporked has since been deleted, but a link to a what has been salvaged can be found in the notes at the end of this mission. The author was [goat_lover4444](http://www.wattpad.com/user/goat_lover4444) on Wattpad.
> 
> \- **Betas:** Iximaz and eatpraylove.
> 
> \- **Rating:** M/R - For mention of rape and murder, self-harm, underage alcohol abuse, explicit language, horrendously poor agent chemistry, and a surprisingly constructive use for one of Sarah's shameless kinks.
> 
> \- **Original Posting Date:** February 14, 2015
> 
> \- **Note:** This mission occurs concurrently with ["An Act of Sheer Will"](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1p3dItexiiMWzujoLIw-77UMlqoYFwUG4BdYa_CHjIbs/edit?usp=sharing).
> 
> \- [Original Document](https://docs.google.com/document/d/144EpH2XJjtUUhrKxGiHLXSStFROEHiSbW3sZr5rjrP8/edit?usp=sharing).

Cover Illustration: “ [ 500 CC - 049: Pit ](http://hyliaman.deviantart.com/art/500-CC-049-Pit-112158823) ” by  [ Hyliaman ](http://hyliaman.deviantart.com/)

 

> “Don't sulk, Pit. It's undignified.”
> 
> — Lady Palutena, _Kid Icarus: Uprising_ , Chapter 3 (2012)

 

* * *

 

**Pre-Mission**

 

It was not a good morning for Sarah Katherine Squall.

While only her brother’s Stuvian imposter had been truly afraid of needles, she wasn’t terribly fond of getting vaccinated either. It took a lot of effort on Dr. Appleday’s part to convince her that the process was going to be painless, but it was lucky that he did. Sarah did not want to have to pay off the damages if she broke any expensive equipment.

Apparently, the ‘Farting Problem’ virus, inadvertently spawned by a certain author named Yoshizilla Rhedosaurus, had been farther reaching than Medical had suspected; as the agents had found out, canons from a wide range of continua had been delivered to Medical with cases of “overactive gas expulsion” (as Dr. Appleday put it) for several years now. The PPC did  _ not _ want to risk the virus spreading to agents, ergo, the vaccine.

On a slightly brighter note, however, Sarah had gotten an unexpected call from a friend while waiting for Rashida to pick up her own medication. She wasn’t sure how her phone was able to get reception in the architectural hodgepodge of HQ (not to mention a call from an entirely different universe), but she decided not to think about it too hard.

“So, you heard about what happened, right?” Sarah asked. “The weird stomach flu making the rounds?”

“Yeah, sort of,” a teenaged boy’s voice explained from the other side of the phone. “I wasn’t there to see it myself, but Mom told me that Mr. Incredible had to go to a faraway hospital once, and that’s what she said when I asked why. I’m really glad you’re taking proactive measures this time.”

“I was worried I’d gotten it myself,” Sarah admitted in an embarrassed tone. “Luckily, it was just one of those diet sodas I had this morning!” Both of the teens laughed, and then Sarah sighed. “I miss you, Wendell. A lot. I wish I could see you again.”

“I know, me too,” Wendell replied. “You do plan to come over during Spring Break, though, right?”

“Given how hectic our work hours are, I can’t promise anything,” Sarah replied sadly. “But we’ll do what we can!”

“How’s Rashida, by the way?” Wendell asked.

“Busy,” said Sarah. “But… well… We’re doing just fine! Yeah, fine.”

“You don’t sound so good. Is there anything wrong?”

“No no, we’re okay! Really! It’s nothing you need to know. Or lose limbs over!”

The boy’s laughter from the other end of the phone made her smile, if only just a little. “Guess I’m not in the right place to question anything. Ah, well. Look, I gotta get back to my homework before Dad gets pissed. Just… Keep in touch! Oh, and, um, tell Adam I said hi.”

“Will do. Thanks!”

“Bye, Sarah! I miss you too.”

“Same here. Bye!”

The Super agent hung up and put her mobile phone away, just in time to see two people return to the waiting room: Rashida, who was holding her bag of meds in her teeth, and a tall, green-haired woman with an ornate-looking staff — a veritable goddess.

“Oh, hello there!” the latter smiled as soon as she spotted Sarah. “Are you waiting for someone?”

Rashida dropped her bag into Sarah’s lap. “She’s with me,” she said, but a moment later, she turned to face her and lowered her head with a respectful bow.

“Uh, what’s going on?” asked Sarah. “Do I need to bow too?”

The green-haired woman giggled a little. “No need to be so formal, Ms. Squall,” she replied, making Sarah jump a little in her seat. “Your organization has done a lot of good for us since our most recent game hit the shelves. I’m Palutena, by the way.”

Sarah took a moment to understand what this meant, but she picked up the bag, stood up, and curtsied before her. Rashida quickly facepawed.

“It’s an honor to meet you!” Sarah said politely. “But wait, you know about us?”

“I am the Goddess of Light, the rightful ruler of Angel Land and the patron deity of Skyworld. My knowledge is infinite. And anyway, my world only has a token fourth wall, if one was ever there to begin with!”

“Why were you here, anyway?” Sarah asked curiously, ignoring Rashida’s warning growl.

“The same reason that a lot of people from many other worlds were here. We all got sick.”

“Oh… I’m sorry to hear it! I hope you’re feeling better!”

“Don’t worry. I should be fine now. Anyway, I must get going. Pit needs my guidance — and I certainly don’t want him getting caught up in yet another badly-written fanfic!”

“Sarah, I think we should leave as well,” Rashida said suddenly. “Lady Palutena, thank you for your time, but we must return to our work.”

“It’s been a pleasure, Mrs. Mafdetiti!” Palutena replied cheerfully. Rashida bowed her head again, then ushered Sarah out of Medical. The Sphinx agent glowered at her as they made their way back to their RC.

“For the love of Nut, Geb, and  _ all _ their children — That was a  _ canon character _ , you  _ hamagi bahaayim! _ ”

“So, what? She was bound to know about the PPC  _ anyway! _ ” Sarah argued. “Would it have made any difference?”

“The PPC is  _ not _ supposed to be common knowledge!” Rashida nearly roared. “And I don’t like the fact that there are canonical gods and goddesses who know about its existence! What if they tell the other canons?!”

“Rosie, please,” Sarah scoffed. “It’s not like Palutena’s going to up and show her servant a slideshow explaining  _ everything _ we do in graphic detail! And if most canons ever knew about the existence of badfic in the first place, they’d go crazy! That’s exactly why I’ve never told Wendell anything he shouldn’t know…”

Rashida stopped, glaring at her. “You contacted Stryclone?”

Sarah gulped, thinking fast. “He called me! Somehow. B-but I kept my mouth shut! T-true story!”

Her partner gave her another death glare, but didn’t ask any further. “I hope you did, because I won’t be responsible if the Flowers punish you,” she snarled, just as they arrived back at their RC. She opened the door with her paw, and…

“What. The. Fuck.”

The whole place was a mess. Heirlooms, jewelry, and feathers were scattered all over the place, Sarah’s pillow and comforter had been sliced open, and Rashida’s hieroglyphics kit, along with the rest of the stationery, littered the desk and the floor space around it.

A crudely scribbled note lay upon the oversized cat bed where the albino Sphinx usually slept. Carefully stepping into the RC, Sarah picked it up and read it.

 

_ “Out feeding a dino. Will clean up as soon as I get back, promise! — Falchion.” _

 

“I knew it,” Rashida snarled as she entered the RC as well. “I  _ neik  _ knew it! He  _ would _ go running off without us! That stupid bird has Duat to pay if he shows up again…”

The mini- _ Tyrannosaurus _ , t rex, looked up hopefully at the agents from his tiny enclosure at the corner of the room.

“No, I don't have  _ any  _ food!” Rashida snarled at him. “And if you're seriously thinking of dining on either of us, then  _ forget it! _ ”

The mini- _ T. rex _ growled in disappointment and backed off.

“I don’t think it was Adam’s fault,” said Sarah, checking the console. “Apparently, the Hyacinth sent him a message earlier saying that a DMS team had been dispatched to help him out. And a new trainee as well! But what does all of this mean?”

“I can only hope that Falchion is in good hands,” the Sphinx agent grumbled.

“Me too,” Sarah replied. “In the meantime, I guess we can clean all this up?”

**[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!]**

Rashida’s glare could have burned through the Omnidroid.

“…Or not,” Sarah said meekly.

The console continued beeping for several long seconds, but neither agent said a word.

“Go get that, you idiot!” Rashida growled suddenly, unsheathing her claws.

With a yelp of fright, Sarah rushed over and hit the big red button. A fresh Intelligence report popped up on the screen.

Sarah cringed in horror. “This is gonna take a while.”

Rashida read the report too. “I know I’m supposed to be angry at you for disregarding the Ironic Overpower, but it’s interesting to me that we would receive a  _ Kid Icarus _ badfic right after having a conversation with one of the canons from that continuum. How familiar are you with it?”

“Sorry! I d-didn’t mean to, I swear!” Sarah said hastily, putting her hands up in a gesture of apology. Rashida glared at her again.

“Anyway, to answer your question,” the Super agent added, “I’m from the 70’s, which is before most of the NES games and such. Adam did point me to a YouTube walkthrough of  _ Uprising _ , though, and I thought it was really fun! And Pit looks super-cute as well. I wonder if he’s ticklish…”

She stopped and covered her mouth as soon as she realized what she’d said. Rashida bared her teeth.

“Please do not make this harder for me than it is already,” the white-furred beast growled with clear resentment, brushing a strand of white hair from her face before stuffing her medication, Sarah’s new Nintendo 3DS, a game case for  _ Kid Icarus: Uprising _ , and some smoke bombs into her Bag of Holding. “You’ve already gotten into enough trouble for today. Anyway, let’s get this over with. This fic crosses over with World One, so I can go in my military disguise and you can go as yourself. You’ll have to lose your powers, though. And the rocket launcher. I still haven’t forgotten that  _ Indiana Jones _ fiasco you got us into on your first day, you know.”

Sarah groaned, putting her weapon away, and whispered, “I still want to tickle Pit…”

“ _ No, _ ” Rashida said, and before her partner could argue, she had disappeared through the portal, leaving Sarah with no choice but to follow.

 

* * *

 

**Act One**

  * Soundtrack: [_Kid Icarus: Uprising_ — “Main Theme”](http://youtu.be/k6nOPEMaWAw)



 

> **Pit seems like every other member of Paluntena's Army. He is loyal to Paluntena, willing to do anything for her, naïve, and brave. But he harbor's a dangerous secret, one that could get him killed. Pit doesn't even realize this. The only two people who know are Paluntena and Pit's best friend and crush, Violet. Violet harbor's a similar secret. Can Violet bring it to light before Pit is killed**
> 
>  
> 
> **This story switches between P.O.V.'s. Various members of the White family in the past and Various Kid Icarus characters in the present.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Disclaimer! I do not own the Kid Icarus characters. Nintendo owns them. I do own Violet and most of the White family though.**

 

As the Author’s Note boomed around them, Sarah visibly bristled, and then gave a stray question mark a sharp,  _ Street Fighter _ -style uppercut. “I swear to Steve Rogers, if this crosses over with my home continuum too…”

“Sarah, Violet is a given first name that can be applied to anyone. Sharing such a first name with a different canon is mostly coincidental and therefore not chargeable.”

“But what if she  _ looks  _ like Vi?”

“I said  _ mostly _ , Sarah.”

Before they could continue their argument, a strange round creature floated up to them. It was about the size of a soccer ball, with multiple short tentacles dangling beneath it. Most of its red-orange body was taken up by a single enormous eye, which was vivid green rather than the standard blue.

The agents looked at the creature in astonished confusion. “The introduction alone creates a mini? Not a good sign,” Rashida muttered.

“A Monoeye! Well, a mini-Monoeye,” said Sarah. “Normal Monoeyes are as big as I am, so… yeah. This works. I take it this is Paluntena?”

“Correct. Its eye color even matches Palutena’s own.”

The mini-Monoeye floated up to Sarah and tickled her ear with a tentacle, and she giggled delightedly. “I think it’s cute. Can I keep it, Mommy?”

“I don’t care,” Rashida grumbled. “The sooner we get through this, the better.”

Sarah took that as a yes and hugged the mini-Monoeye, which promptly cuddled her with its tentacles as Chapter 1 began.

 

> **Violet's P.O.V.**
> 
> **My name is Violet Rose Greenfield. I was born October 31, 1971. I am thirteen years old. I will forever be thirteen years old. I died January 1, 1985. I have long, blond hair, white wings, and deep purple eyes. I am 4' 11 and 1/2". I, like Pit, can not fly. I am a lonewolf angel. I once served in Palutena's Army, but I left. There are several theories on why I left. They are all false. I have been on my own since 1986. I work for whoever will pay me, but I never work for anyone evil or Paluntena.**
> 
> **The real reason I left Palutena's Army is because she betrayed me by keeping a secret that almost killed me. If I had known Pit was like me, I would have never left. Pit is the only one in the world who gives a damn about me. He is the only one I can truly trust. But yet I am the reason he is in this situation. He will suffer the same fate I almost did. I am the only one who can save him. Paluntena doesn't really give a damn, otherwise she'd tell him.**
> 
> **It's disgusting how she creates the angels for her army. It's unnatural. She steals souls from heaven, in the real world, then severs part it off. Then she mixes "ingredients" together in her cauldron. The ones that turn out "correct" are brain washed. They don't remember their lives in the real world. They have no sense of free will. But Pit and I, we didn't turn out like the others. Something went horribly wrong. Paluntena made a mistake, a fatal mistake to us.**

 

Sarah felt her stomach churn, and not because of some badfic-induced stomach virus. “What kind of sick person,” she said in a horrified whisper, “would write something like this? This is the first chapter and  _ already  _ we have grimdark material?”

“And your homefic didn’t?” Rashida shot back as she started writing the charges.

“No! Well, it  _ did _ , but mine was like, blood and guts and dismemberment everywhere. It certainly didn’t have mention of slavery or child abuse!”

“Fair point,” Rashida replied. “Wait,  _ child abuse? _ And a complete disregard for theology or the canon? This… does not bode well.”

“Tell me something I don’t know!”

 

> **June 2, 1971, Sarah White's P.O.V.**
> 
> **I was three yearsold when my parents brought him home. A little brother,** **_my_ ** **little brother to be exact. We lived in a small rural town in Ohio. We lived on a dairy farm. Every morning at 5 a.m. and 5 p.m. Daddy would go and milk 100 cows and 50 goats by hand before going to his veterinary practice. Momma was a waitress in Grand Daddy's diner. Momma worked everyday until my brother was born.**
> 
> **My brother's name was Pit. Pit Edward White. He was born on Memorial Day 1971. He had medium brown hair, like Momma's, and sapphire blue eyes, like Daddy's. I didn't know what to think of him. I didn't know it at the time, but my baby brother was my salvation.**

 

Sarah retched from the scene shift, but recovered and burst out into giggles a moment later. “Pit Edward White?  _ Really? _ ”

Though she was disguised as a human, Rashida could feel the back of her neck start to prickle. “Pit never had any other names in canon. He was just… Pit.”

“Character Replacement, totally calling it,” said Sarah. “Does that mean I get to tickle him once we’re done?”

“You are  _ not _ tickling anyone,” Rashida growled. “I hated your homefic, and I hate any behavior you may have picked up from it. My RC,  _ my rules.  _ Understood?”

Sarah pouted. But before she could respond, another scene shift threw them both to the ground.

 

> **Pit's P.O.V.**
> 
> **I was late. I woke up with a migraine. There was a meeting today. Then I have to train the Centurions. After that Violet was meeting me in our usual spot. I kind of like Violet, like a lot. Someday I plan to marry her. I suddenly had that weird vision. The one I always had. A gun pointed at me, a woman screaming, and the gun going off. I shook it off. I walked into the meeting, 10 minuets late.**

 

“Ten  _ minuets _ late?” Sarah asked, clutching her stomach and trying as hard as she could not to throw up. “Since when did they play music prior to important meetings?”

Rashida didn’t respond. Maybe that was because she was shaking uncontrollably, her fingers curled as though they were claws. Sarah would swear she could even see a blood vessel pulsing in the side of her neck.

“Uh, Rosie?” the Super asked, before making a slight retching noise. “A-are you okay?”

She slowly turned her head to glare at her, and silently reached into her bag before pulling out a pill container.

“Here,” she said quietly. “I got some antiemetics for you.”

“What for?” Sarah asked.

“Courtesy of Dr. Appleday. He told me about your… ‘experience’ with scene shifts earlier.”

“What, you mean my throwing up everywhere during that mission with the snake-troll?”

Rashida glared at her. “Just take the stupid pills already. Pit’s going to black out at this meeting and after that, the first chapter will be over.”

Sarah took her medication without complaint, then followed her partner through the portal with Paluntena the mini-Monoeye in tow.

“Geez,  _ that _ was Chapter 1? This is  _ so _ lame,” the Super muttered.

“Some fics cannot be helped,” said Rashida. “The author was the one who decided whether the prose was purple or beige.”

“I thought this was supposed to be a kid-friendlicus continuumicus!” Sarah replied. When her partner glared at her, she added hastily, “It was a thing from  _ Captain N: The Game Master.  _ I thought it would be appropriate here.”

“No, it wouldn’t. Now, let’s get moving, before I have to send you to Medical a second time.”

The two of them portaled past the Author’s Note and into the start of the second chapter.

 

> **Violet's P.O.V.**
> 
> **I arrived at the meeting 20 minuets after it started. I didn't tell Pit. I had wanted to surprise him. When I arrived, Pit was unconscious. I knew immediately what had happened. The same exact thing happened to me 28 years ago. I was pissed. If Palutena had told him sooner, this wouldn't have happened. I hated her. I hated what she did to me. I hated what she did to Pit. She's a monster.**
> 
> **"You fucking bitch." I said. "If you had fucking told him the truth, then this would not be happening." I felt myself getting angrier by the second.**
> 
> **"Violet! What are you doing here?" she asked.**

 

Sarah facepalmed. “And now she’s using swear-words too? And she’s threatening Palutena as well?! You’re gonna get struck by a bolt of lightning for that — Oh, wait, that’s Zeus. But still!”

Indeed, the Sue had pulled a knife on Palutena. Then she went to check on Pit.

A new character,  **Angela, Skyworld's nurse, walked in. Angela was seven yearsold with ebony black hair, that was pulled into a bun, and hazel eyes.** The Words struggled with her appearance a little because of a missing space, but ultimately settled on someone who looked like Viridi — if the Goddess of Nature had dyed her hair black, cut most of it off, and dressed in a shapeless cloud-colored robe.

Then the agents and even the mini-Monoeye did a double take. “I don’t remember Pit being able to copy himself!” said Sarah. “But the copies look strangely generic.”

“The fic describes  **A guy who looked a lot like Pit** ,” said Rashida. “He will likely be left behind by the canon. We can neuralyze him before the next scene shift and hope he re-assimilates.”

“Right.”

The agents and the mini snuck around, gave the angel a position elsewhere in Skyworld, and portaled off to the next scene. Sarah spared only a glance at Palutena, and she could’ve sworn that she’d seen her wink at them.

_ If you’re counting on us, _ the Super agent thought for the goddess’s sake,  _ and I know you are, we’ll get this done before you know it. Just hang in there, you and Pit both! _

 

> **_October 1, 1974. Andrew White's P.O.V._ **
> 
> **I have always lived in Kirby, Ohio. I was born here. I was raised here. I will probably die here. I have a beautiful wife, Clara, and two beautiful children, Sarah and Pit.**

 

Even after stepping through the portal, Sarah still felt a bit nauseous — perhaps a little too much to comment on the fact that there was now another badfic character who shared a first name with someone she knew.

“How many times has this fic changed time periods, anyway?” she asked weakly, wondering if she’d need the medication again.

“At least three,” Rashida replied. “Depending on whether or not you count the chapter breaks.”

“This is the most confusing thing I’ve ever read in my life,” Sarah groaned, clutching her stomach. “It’s like a roller coaster, only a  _ lot  _ nastier. Lessee… Pills or barf bag?”

“Stop complaining, Sarah. This isn’t the worst that’s happened to agents around here.”

“Oh, so agents  _ do _ get killed on the job?”

The disguised Sphinx bared her teeth at her. “None of your business, you twat. Get back to work!”

“Okay, fine!” Then she added under her breath, “Jerk.”

Rashida gave her ponytail a painful yank in response.

 

> **The one bull, an evil sonofabitch, would trample my 3 yearold to death. I searched everywhere. I found him curled up next to that fucking bull, obviously still alive. The bull was sleeping, and Pit was curled up next to him. Pit saw me, got up slowly and crawled under the gate. For the rest of that damn bull's life, Pit was the only one who could get close to it. My son had a gift.**

 

Still rubbing the back of her head, Sarah tried as hard as she could not to burst out laughing. “Since when did Pit have a way with animals?” she chortled.

“Since now,” Rashida growled sarcastically. “ _ Ibn al-sharmoota,  _ I don’t recall Pit’s history involving  _ any _ of this. If the fic keeps it up, we may have to perform our first exorcism.”

“About that… The 3DS and the game card I can understand, but what about the smoke bombs?”

“Remember our  _ Teen Titans _ mission? The one where you recruited Feratu?”

“Ah, Vampire!Robin. Fun times!”

Rashida scowled at her, but continued. “Falchion compared the Sue-detection method we used in that mission to seeing invisible Ghost-types through the Silph Scope in the  _ Pokémon _ universe. I figured I’d come  _ prepared _ this time around, and Ghost is weak to Dark, so…”

Before Sarah could respond, another scene shift caught them unexpectedly, taking them to one of Pit’s dream sequences — the same as before, actually. Rashida saw a trickle of vomit coming from the corner of her partner’s mouth, and immediately grabbed her by the ponytail. “We have to get you to safety before I give you the meds,” she snarled, ignoring another stifled shriek of pain while she opened up a portal and pulled her through, the mini close behind.

 

> **Chapter 3**
> 
> **Pit's P.O.V.**
> 
> **I was released from the hospital a week later. The doctors had no idea why I had passed out. I was not allowed to work until they figured out what was wrong. Violet took me to my apartment. I pretended to be asleep so she would leave. I wasn't in the mood to be around anyone. I have been suffering from depression for as long as I could remember. When I get depressed I have a habit of drinking until I pass out and cutting myself.**

 

If the scene shifts weren’t too much for Sarah, Pit acting OOC definitely was. As soon as Rashida had released her, she dashed off. Neither the Sue nor Pit noticed her, even while a faint retching noise began echoing from the bathroom.

The disguised Sphinx tried as hard as she could not to drop her disguise and launch herself at them as she watched the angel pick up a bottle of liquor and a knife, and proceeded to cut himself. Paluntena’s single large eye stared at the scene in horror.

A moment later, the Sue returned. Predictably, she took the liquor and the knife, and started to comfort the traumatized angel.

Rashida glared at the two of them. Sarah may have been a troublesome individual, but she did not deserve to see this. It was lucky that her sickness had caught up with her, come to think of it.

Sarah rejoined her a moment later, still wiping the vomit from her mouth — and just in time to see the Sue lulling Pit to sleep.

“Is it just me,” she asked, “or are Pit’s wings looking a little shiny today?”

Rashida blinked. Unless her eyes were not working properly — which she obviously doubted — she too could see the angel’s snow-white feathers start to shine a little brighter.

Before they could comment any further, however, they were whisked away by another scene shift. Sarah collapsed to the ground, dry-heaving this time, for she had emptied her stomach at the Sue’s apartment earlier. She promptly took a pill from her case and swallowed it.

The same scene from the start of the chapter replayed from Violet’s point of view, and was followed by her visiting a generic character named Peter. Apparently, he’d been selling the liquor to the residents of Skyworld. And when Violet told him to stop, he started advancing on her, and not in a good way.

Fortunately, for both the agents and the Sue, Pit’s dark-winged doppelganger, Dark Pit, came in and chased the would-be rapist off. It was just the opportunity Rashida needed.

“Wait for me at the start of Chapter 4,” she said, opening a portal. “The last scene of this chapter is just exposition about Pit’s uncanonical mother.”

“Where are you going?” asked Sarah uncertainly.

Rashida’s neck began prickling again. “Business with Peter,” she replied acidly.

Sarah did not need to ask any further, and she was glad to head through the portal with the mini in tow. As Dark Pit and the Sue had also left, they never heard the terrified screaming of a generic bad guy meeting the wrong end of a really angry Sphinx some two minutes later.

 

> **_Dark Pit's P.O.V._ **
> 
> **"Wait!" Violet yelled.**
> 
> **"What do you want?" I asked.**
> 
> **"I need your help to save Pit. He's in terrible danger." she said.**
> 
> **"I don't serve anyone but myself." I replied.**
> 
> **"If you don't help, Pit will die." she said.**
> 
> **"What do you mean?" I asked.**
> 
> **"I can't explain here. Meet me in the gardens at midnight, tonight." she said.**
> 
> **She ran off in the direction of Pit's apartment. I headed off in a different direction. I was stuck here until Viridi decided to get me. I live in Viridi's temple and run errands for her.**
> 
> **I could feel something was wrong. If Pit died, I died. I had no choice but to meet Violet. I wondered why she didn't work for Palutena. Most angels did. The only reason she seemed to stick around for is Pit. I can see if Pit was in danger, why she'd want to save him. But why did she need my help?**

 

Sarah looked up at the Words and shrugged before taking her medication. Dark Pit was fine with respect to the canon — his connection to Pit was canonical to  _ Kid Icarus: Uprising _ .

Rashida joined up with Sarah a few minutes later, her hands still dripping with urple glitter. The two of them headed to  **the gardens** of Skyworld, and more specifically to a generic-looking fountain. The disguised Sphinx dipped her hands in the pool of water and washed them clean, while Sarah loafed around nearby.

“Okay… So, what’s next?” asked the Super. “You think we can skip a few chapters?”

Rashida checked the Words. “The Sue and Dark Pit meet up later tonight. The Sue discusses how angels are created — apparently, Palutena severs a piece of a human soul to create an angel. However, Violet and Pit were created from full souls and are therefore ‘Undesirables’ who suffer from depression, alcoholism, mood swings, and other fun stuff. Worse still, Pit’s remembering his life in the real world, and it’s making him memory-sick.”

“Is that even a real disease? Or is it made-up by the Words like the Farting Problem virus?”

There was an awkward silence as Rashida glared at her. Sarah looked away, paying an unusual amount of attention to how the glitter her partner had washed off was dissolving in the water.

“Memory sickness could be fatal if left untreated, at least according to the author,” the Sphinx agent continued. “If we have to exorcise Pit, we’ll need to take him to Medical. If he’s been replaced entirely, however…”

“…then he needs help. Bad,” Sarah completed. “FicPsych?”

“Didn’t I tell you, Sarah? We are  _ not _ recruiting  _ anyone, period! _ ”

“Nu-uh! You didn’t! You just said that I’m not allowed to — ”

“Say the word ‘tickle’ or any variants thereof, just  _ one more time _ , and I will fucking maul you to death! Understood?”

Sarah looked shocked and visibly offended. Sure, neither of their mouths had seen a metaphorical bar of soap for a good long while, but Sarah wasn’t one to judge things. What was with Rashida and her violent reactions to the things that made her, well, her?

“Anyway,” the Sphinx agent continued, “after their talk, the Sue and Dark Pit go to Viridi for help, and then they head off to find the White family. There’s also a flashback to another character, James, who is Sarah White’s boyfriend. Of course he’s mean and abusive. And then Pit fends him off. With a shotgun.”

Sarah’s jaw went slack. “Now he’s using guns too?! I can understand the Cannon class, but come  _ on! _ ”

“I’m just as baffled as you are, Sarah. And pissed. Now, a word of warning for what’s to come before we continue. Each chapter will have a sequence in the present day and a sequence in the Whites’ history as a rule. Usually the flashbacks will show up right in the middle of the present-day action. I don’t trust your stomach, so I want you to keep your medication on you at all times, even if we skip a few chapters. Got it?”

Sarah nodded. “What’s Chapter 5 about?”

“Pit will be staying at Viridi’s temple. And Hades will turn up.”

“Oh, goody.” The memory of the true leader of the Underworld was still fresh in Sarah’s head.

“The Words didn’t say whether he was in physical form or not,” Rashida continued. “Since this is after  _ Uprising _ , though, he’s probably just a disembodied voice, so he won’t be too much trouble.”

Her voice still sounded uncertain, though. “We’ll check, just in case. But we won’t stick around for long.”

“Right,” Sarah replied as she watched her partner open a portal. “If we’ve got a replacement of  _ that _ bastard running around, we’d be finished. Big time.”

 

> **_Pit's P.O.V._ **
> 
> **I was staying in Viridi's Temple. Violet told me to. She and Pittoo were up to something. Kirby, Ohio. That name keep going through my head. It sounded important. Sarah White lives in Kirby, Ohio. Who was Sarah White and where was Kirby, Ohio? Thinking about it made my head hurt. I felt useless. I couldn't work or fight. Viridi would yell at me every time I tried to help. Normally she'd be yelling at me to do something and calling me useless.**

 

And then Pit took out a razor blade. As he made several bleeding lines in his wrist (the Words assumed it was the wrist, seeing as he hadn’t specifically stated where he was cutting himself), the agents noticed something else.

“Hey, what’s with his wings?” asked Sarah, taking yet another of her pills.

“Aren’t you supposed to be paying more attention to the wrist-slitting?” Rashida snarled at her.

“No, the glitter on his wings. It’s getting stronger.”

Rashida tore her eyes away from Pit’s bleeding wrists, focusing instead on the feathery appendages. She blinked in surprise. “You’re right. But… I don’t remember this happening in the fic itself.”

“A passive indicator that he’s becoming more and more Sued?” asked Sarah.

“I don’t recall bird feathers turning glittery when their owner gains Suvian qualities,” Rashida replied. “And none of the symptoms of memory sickness that the Sue mentioned included glittery feathers, either. It makes no sense at all.”

Then they heard a deep male voice. Hades was talking to Viridi along with Palutena, but they couldn’t see where he was, so Rashida guessed that this was indeed the canonical villain.

Violet and Dark Pit messaged the group, explaining what they knew. They were in Kirby, Ohio, and Pit’s family apparently ran a dairy farm.

Pit promptly joined the three gods, looking completely wasted. It only got worse when Hades teased him, causing him to lash out at him verbally, slash his arms up some more, and pass out.

His wings were now visibly sparkling.

Not wanting to watch anything else, the agents portaled to Chapter 6, noting that there wasn’t anything more interesting than the Sue and Dark Pit discovering more information about Pit’s death, and another flashback.

Still, Sarah felt sick, both metaphorically and physically. What kind of horrible person would write a badfic like this?

The two of them watched a replay of the scene with Pit confronting the group of gods, this time from Viridi’s point of view. . Then Angela returned, cleaning him up and sewing his wounds shut. Then at her request, Palutena and Arlon carried him out of the room on a stretcher.

“Well, if there’s one thing good about this,” Sarah said before popping yet another pill, “ _ somebody _ knows what she’s doing.”

That made Rashida stand up a little straighter behind the column they were using for concealment. “Hmmm… That gives me an idea. You know what I said about us not recruiting anyone?”

“Mm-hmm?”

“I was wrong — I actually  _ didn’t,  _ and I apologize for accidentally lying to you. Anyway, Angela’s not going to be needed by this fic anymore. Let’s move, before the others notice us.”

The angel nurse had wandered outside Viridi’s temple, and was quite a way away from the canons when she heard someone behind a nearby tree go “Pssst! Over here!”

She looked around. Two people were standing under the shade of the tree, beckoning her to come and talk to them. She headed over, wondering what was going on.

Sarah promptly put a flower crown on the angel’s dark hair. Rashida rolled her eyes at her.

“Greetings from the Protectors of the Plot Continuum!” the Super said cheerfully, shaking the little angel’s hand. “I’m Sarah, and this is Rosie! What’s your name?”

“Angela,” the nurse replied.

“Angela? Oh… Poor dear. Stuck with an uncreative name. Y’know, we’d like to ask you to join us! You have no idea how many people could use your help!”

Angela blinked. “Me? But we’ve only just met!”

“We’ll explain in a bit, but for now, we’d like you to tag along with us for a while,” Rashida explained, opening a portal to the next scene. “This way, please.”

“But why? Is there something you want me to see?”

Sarah scoffed. “You’re in a fanfiction,” she said. “An author writes something about something and their writing brings you and others like you to life, basically. And  _ your  _ author, well… Why don’t you see for yourself?”

 

> **_May 25, 1985 Sarah White's P.O.V._ **
> 
> **When I woke up James was zipping up his pants. I backed away. My brother was on the floor unconscious. James pointed the gun at me.**
> 
> **"If I can't have you, no one can." he said. Just as he was about to pull the trigger, something hit him in the back of the head. Pit was standing up in the doorway.**
> 
> **"Get the hell away from my sister." he said. James laughed. Suddenly I heard police sirens. Someone must've called the cops. James pointed the gun at Pit.**
> 
> **"You've got guts kid. But you're a pain in the ass. Say goodbye." James said.**
> 
> **He fired the gun. Six shots. He reloaded the gun and fired six more at me. I blacked out from the pain.**

 

The agents stared at the scene in abject horror. Pit was dead, and Sarah White had been raped, crippled, and abused beyond compare. Angela, who was apparently so used to the presence of bodily fluids that she could clean an entire blood bank off a person if she was so inclined, felt like she was going to pass out.

“This,” the angel nurse asked faintly, “is what people write about my world?”

Sarah nodded slowly, but didn’t say a word.

“And  _ that _ , Angela,” Rashida snarled through clenched teeth, “is why we are here.”

 

* * *

 

**Act Two**

  * Soundtrack: [_Kid Icarus: Uprising_ — “Destroyed Skyworld”](http://youtu.be/aEnDMF-z6-0)



 

The agents and the bit character made their way past the Sue discovering Pit’s murder and Palutena removing a “memory block” that had been placed upon Pit (at Viridi’s insistence, since to do otherwise would be fatal to him). They landed in another flashback, showing Pit’s funeral.

“So, what do you people do?” Angela asked quietly.

“We find characters who take over and ruin the various worlds that Pit and others like him belong in,” Rashida explained in a whisper. “And then…”

“We beat their faces in, of course!” Sarah piped up, pumping her fist.

“Be quiet, or they’ll notice!” Rashida growled.

“It’s just a memory,” Sarah whispered back. “It feels like the Pensieve in the  _ Harry Potter _ continuum.”

“Knowing the total lack of temporal consistency, however, who knows what’ll happen?”

“So, what do you plan to do with me?” Angela interjected. “Am I still going to stay in Skyworld, or…”

“No, not at all,” Rashida replied grimly. “There are more pressing matters where we come from. And a lot more people are probably hoping for someone like you.”

“You should get a new name, you know,” said Sarah. “I don’t really like your old one. It’s just not… distinct.”

“I’ve always had this name,” Angela replied, taking off her flower crown and holding it sadly. “But if you want to refer to me by some other name, that’s fine.”

Sarah paused to think about it. “How ‘bout Panacea?” she suggested. “It means, ‘all curing’, and could refer to the goddess of universal remedy.”

The angel nurse gave a slight smile. “I like that name,” she said.

“Well, it’s settled then. Welcome to our world, Panacea!”

“You’ll make a great Nurse,” said Rashida, patting her head. “I’ll be more than happy to introduce you to Dr. Appleday as soon as we get back.”

Panacea looked up at her. “Dr. Appleday? Is he a friend of yours?”

“Correct.”

The agents moved through several more scenes — the Sue and Dark Pit visiting Pit’s gravestone, and Pit starting to experience his memories of his past — before heading into Chapter 8.

“Do we have to go through every single chapter?” asked Sarah bitterly as they watched the Sue and Dark Pit staring at Pit’s grave.

“I don’t know,” Rashida replied. “As we did on the mission where we recruited you, we could skip a few chapters to save time. I think it would be better for our sanity.”

“I’ll say. I’ve had enough abuse for a good, long while.”

The air suddenly turned cold. A mysterious cloaked figure showed up, introducing herself as Sister January. She told them to find the Charm of January somewhere in Carey, Ohio, and promptly vanished.

“Ugh, another badfic character?” Rashida grumbled. “Let’s cut to the chase and catch up with her. I don’t want to endure any more stupid flashbacks.”

“Ooookay… So, can I get a short version of what we’ll be missing? Just to be thorough?” asked Sarah.

Rashida took out the RA and skimmed through the Words of the next chapter. “Dark Pit and the Sue look for the artifact, and in the meantime, we get flashbacks to Sarah White being sent to an insane asylum and calling her lawyer cousin to write a will. Meanwhile, Pit ends up in an uncanonical place called the Downworld, meets Violet, and gets turned into an angel by Palutena, who places a memory block on him so he won’t go crazy.”

They portaled over to the next chapter, specifically the library of a high school that the Sue and Dark Pit were in.

Panacea looked at the two. “A memory block? Is that why he’s sick?”

Sarah looked at her apologetically. “We… aren’t so sure. We haven’t checked.”

Rashida glared at her partner. “I don’t believe this,” she spat. “After all this time,  _ all this preparation, _ you never once reminded me to  _ check on Pit?! _ ”

“We were so caught up in the action that the thought slipped my mind,” Sarah admitted.

“You were so caught up with being an incompetent piece of  _ khara  _ who has  _ no _ idea what she’s doing…” Rashida began.

“Hey, I didn’t rush in and try to beat someone without asking you first!” Sarah snapped back. “You know I’m not  _ that _ stupid anymore!”

“What difference does it make?!” the Sphinx agent growled. “You are so stubborn and ignorant and Horus forbid,  _ addicted to your fucking badfic urges _ that even if you  _ did _ make a good agent in the most basic sense, your current personality has  _ no  _ place in  _ my _ RC!”

“Please,  _ please! _ Calm down, you two!” Panacea cried out, but the agents were already too absorbed in their argument.

“Addiction? ADDICTION?!” Sarah snapped. “ _ Drinking _ is an addiction! My nature is  _ not!  _ Why must you be so angry at the things that make me who I am even if I only think about them for  _ just one second?! _ ”

“ _ You drink or you DON’T drink! _ ” Rashida roared, stomping her foot to emphasize her anger. “It’s one or the other, and you can’t do both! And you know what? Your obsession with footjobs and beating people up without reason and dragging badfic characters into our business works in the  _ exact same fucking way! _ ”

“It  _ doesn’t! _ ” Sarah cried. “You just hate me because I came from a badfic that completely ruined your day, don’t you?!”

Rashida glared at her, her fingers trembling. “Yes. I.  _ Do. _ ”

“Alright, that’s  _ it! _ ” her partner shouted. “As soon as we’re done with this mission, I am fucking  _ leaving!  _ I’m going to find my own RC and my own partner, one who fucking understands me better than  _ you _ do!”

“It’s not going to help! If you still live in your own stupid world, how will you be able to work by yourself?!”

“It  _ will! _ ” Sarah shouted. “And I certainly won’t ever have to see your stupid ugly face again, you selfish, geriatric, closed-minded, bigoted…  _ LOIN!!! _ ”

That did it. Rashida launched herself at Sarah without even bothering to drop her disguise, and next moment, the two of them were entangled upon the floor, clawing and pounding at every bit of flesh they could reach. Panacea frantically tried to break the two of them up, but she had no idea what had started the cat fight — especially because she hadn’t realized that Sarah had just compared her partner to that one cat-morphing Sue who had turned into some oversized privates.

It seemed like nothing could stop the two agents ripping into each other — at least, until the sound of two people drawing their weapons caused everyone to stop in their tracks.

Dark Pit and Violet Rose Greenfield were staring at the agents and Panacea in shocked silence, the former aiming his Silver Bow at them, and the latter her knife.

“What, the fuck,” asked the Sue, “is going on here?”

Rashida picked herself up, kicked the still-prone Sarah in the stomach, and pulled out her gun. “Violet Rose Greenfield,” she snarled, “by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a Mary Sue on account of the following charges: Completely overturning the canon by making uncanonical assertions about how angels are created; bashing Lady Palutena in the process of stating said assertions; creating a mini-Monoeye” — Paluntena waved its tentacles at her — “attempting to forge Twu Wuv with Pit as well as warping his personality beyond recognition and creating an uncanonical history for him; writing beige prose, including multiple misspellings; dropping numerous F-bombs in a continuum rated E10+; enforcing rape, child abuse, and  _ nikomak _ murder in said continuum; and causing this fanfiction to change time periods  _ so _ many times that it gave my partner fucking  _ scene shift sickness! _ Your punishment for these crimes is death, and if you have any last words…”

“Wait!  _ WAIT! _ ” Panacea cried out in horror.

The Sue blinked at her. “Angela?”

“I don’t have time for this!” Rashida snarled, pointing the gun at the Sue’s head.

“But… I don’t think it’s her fault,” the angel nurse replied frantically.

“How could it  _ not  _ be her doing? She’s a Mary Sue, and she’s trying to take over the story, and — ”

“I don’t think she is,” Panacea pointed out. “She’s only trying to help. It’s Pit we should be worried about.”

“She’s right,” said Dark Pit. “We can’t fight over this if we’re going to save him.”

Sarah stood up shakily and backed away, wisely deciding not to say anything in case she only made Rosie even angrier. After all, she  _ had  _ threatened to maul her to death.

“Who are you guys, anyway?” asked Dark Pit. “And why are you planning to kill Violet?”

“We are trying to restore order to this world!” Rashida snarled back.

“Then don’t kill her,” Dark Pit insisted.

“You’re only being influenced by her!”

“No, I’m not. If we don’t do something soon, Pit will die. And I will die with him.”

“Just give Violet a chance to help Pit,” Panacea pleaded. “If she fails, if  _ we _ fail, then you can make your decision.”

Rashida looked at Panacea, then back at the Sue. Then she lowered her gun and put it away — but not before directing a fearsome growl at her, like an angry lioness defending her cubs. “Fine. Get out of my sight. But if you mess with Pit, you’re answering to  _ me.  _ Am I clear, Miss Greenfield?”

The Sue glared at her, but a moment later, she turned and left with Dark Pit in tow.

There was silence for several long moments. And then a roar echoed from elsewhere in the library. Rashida opened a portal and ushered the group through just as the chapter ended.

Skipping past the fight with the Generic Beast that had confronted the Sue and Dark Pit, along with their return to Skyworld and the explanation of Sister January’s memory-restoring spell, the agents and the nurse arrived at another flashback. This time, they watched Sarah White committing suicide at the asylum where she was being kept.

“Should we have charged her? The other Sarah, I mean?” asked the Super agent.

“She was a bit, not a Sue,” Rashida replied. “She was at the complete mercy of whomever is doing this to everyone.”

“Well, we know how that story ends now,” said Sarah. “We still need to take care of James, though. Where is he?”

“I don’t know,” said Rashida. “But we can take care of that after we save Pit. Let’s get to the next chapter and see what happens.”

The three of them found themselves in a generic room, waiting for Sister January along with the canons. Sure enough, she arrived, and prepared to do her magic. But then…

 

> **"I know exactly how to cure this." she said. The clock struck 12. She said something in another language that nobody could understand. Nothing happened. She said something else. "Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I can't cure this. Oh well, I tried. Come Palutena. I must take you before council. You must suffer the consequences."**

 

Palutena and Sister January left the room, leaving the Sue to bawl over Pit’s unconscious body, and kiss him on the lips. And then, after another memory sequence, he woke up. His wings now shimmered like polished diamonds.

The agents looked at each other and then back at the scene before them, horrified.

“So, Sister January’s memory spell doesn’t work,” Sarah whimpered. “Now what?”

“They’ve tried everything,” Rashida growled. “There is no way he’s going back. We have to either exorcise him or kill the Sue.”

Panacea looked at her. “Exorcise him?”

“If the Sue is dead and Pit is restored to normal, she will have influenced him. But if, like you suggested, she is not influencing the canons to harmful levels, it may be that something else is making him act like this.”

“I don’t think that’s the case,” said Sarah. “She could simply be saying what she believes, and if it isn’t canonical then she’ll take it with her once she’s removed. Besides, she works only for those who pay her, so why not hire her?”

“Why not just put a bullet through her  _ nikomak  _ head and end it quickly?”

Panacea let out a small shriek and hid behind Sarah.

Sarah wanted to give her partner a megaton slap, but she forced herself to remain calm. “That’s your answer to everything. What if your answer is wrong?”

“Says the load of  _ khara  _ who called me a bigoted loin.”

Sarah scowled at her. “I was angry and frustrated, and I’m sorry for that. The badfic didn’t make my bad day any better. But we can’t just kill everyone who isn’t canonical! What good will that do? What if this ‘Sue’ wasn’t disrupting the canon? She wasn’t doing very much to warp this continuum at all, if you ask me! And I didn’t see Palutena acting OOC despite all the bad things she said about her, so they could’ve just been her own opinions about her.”

Rashida looked at her dubiously. “But if she really was trying to save Pit, she wasn’t doing a very good job.”

“It could be a misunderstanding,” Panacea pointed out. “Her interest is genuine, but maybe she needs to be shown the truth.”

The disguised Sphinx looked at her partner and the newly hired nurse. Then she sighed.

“Fair enough. I’ll defer to her judgement — but if she resists us, she dies.”

Panacea whimpered in fright.

“Can I look at Pit through the canon material now?” asked Sarah. “We have to be sure of what we’re up against.”

“Fair enough,” Rashida sighed, passing the game case and the 3DS to her.

Sarah took the game card out of the case, loaded it into the 3DS, opened up the video recording app, and pointed the front-facing cameras on the console at Pit and the Sue. Then her eyes widened in horror.

“What is it?” asked Panacea. “Did you find the cause of his memory sickness?”

Sarah slowly put the game card back, passed the game case to her partner, and dry-heaved again.

Rashida had seen the look on her partner’s face only once before — just after the latter had witnessed a trio of baby  _ Tyrannosaurus rex _ turn a character replacement of Peter Ludlow into a pile of urple gore.

“It’s not memory sickness,” the Super spoke in a terrified whisper, her face drained of color. “Pit’s been possessed — and his OOC-ness is on the verge of making him a completely different character!”

 

* * *

 

**Act Three**

Soundtrack:

  * [_Kid Icarus: Uprising_ — “Chaos Island”](http://youtu.be/4CvtVXq1lZg)
  * [_Kid Icarus: Uprising_ — “Boss Battle #1”](http://youtu.be/cOUnZVEU8Po)



 

“Wait,” said Rashida. “A different character?”

Sarah paused to think about this. “Lemme explain a little. You know how Dark Pit was created, right?”

“When Pit destroyed the Mirror of Truth, it created a copy that represented his true feelings,” said Rashida. “Usually, if a character is warped so completely, he or she splits off into a canon and a replacement.”

“That’s what I was thinking,” said Sarah. “But what if the real Pit is acting so OOC because his AU ‘replacement’… is still inside him? It’s a Sue-wraith, sure, but it’s trying to break free rather than ruin the canon, though I’m sure it’ll still be throwing Pit under the bus in the process. That means we’ll have to think about how to get it out of him somehow.”

“We could be looking at a higher-order Sue-wraith, like an  _ Impetus miserabilis, _ ” said Rashida. “That is the only thing that could explain Pit having a trajeck past which is not consistent with canon. Not at all.”

“I remember seeing Pit as a little boy angel in both the original  _ Kid Icarus _ game and one of the promotional shorts for  _ Uprising, _ ” said Sarah. “Hmmm… What if he was replaced  _ and _ possessed at the same time?”

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!” Rashida growled. “Replacement and possession are both degrees of OOC behavior, and having both would be redundant. Think about what would happen if you overcooked a batch of chicken wings, Sarah. They’d already taste bad, so why overcook them twice?”

“I would’ve used spicy angel wings for the analogy myself,” Sarah chuckled, ignoring her partner’s snarl. “But yeah, you’re right. We’ll have to do one or the other. We can’t risk recruiting the guy, though — what if he’s a possessed canon?”

“Haven’t we recruited enough people for one mission?”

“Maybe, but still. It would be worth exorcising him and purifying that thing for study. See if we can extract the salvageable aspects of this AU version of Pit from the Sue-wraith.”

“We’ll still have to kill the mischaracterized portion, but that could work.”

“We’ll need canon material to get a bead on it, a smoke bomb or two to flush it out, and something to disable it for capture.”

“I have my gun,” Rashida replied. “I’ll need a precise shot, though, so can I trust you to get the other characters out of the way?”

“Absolutely,” Sarah grinned, ushering Paluntena into her Bag of Holding for safe-keeping.

“And you are  _ not _ talking to Pit until we’re done. Or  _ touching _ him, Horus forbid.”

“Aw,  _ man! _ ”

The agents made their way to the graveyard from earlier, just as Pit and the Sue arrived. Rashida took the 3DS from Sarah and looked at the screen, pointing the cameras at them again. The video feed showed… a glittery  _ thing _ … attached to the back of Pit’s head. If they didn’t act fast, it would take control of him completely.

“As soon as Pit sees his gravestone, everything will come back to him, and the Sue-wraith’s history will override his own,” Rashida explained. “We can’t give it the chance to make that happen.”

“Right,” said Sarah. “Panacea, if Pit gets hurt, be ready to get him to Medical.”

“Got it,” the angel nurse replied.

The Sue and Pit neared the grave in question. But before they could come up to it and complete the story, the agents stepped out in front of them.

“You again?!” the Sue cried out.

Rashida glared at her, pulling out her gun again. “I’m only going to ask you once. What are you going to do with Pit?”

“I’m going to save him,” the Sue replied. “Now step out of my way! He needs to see his grave.”

“He can’t,” Sarah replied. “Say, can I call you V.R.? I have a friend named Violet and I don’t want to get confused.”

V.R. glared at her.

“V.R. it is,” said Sarah. “We wish to save Pit as much as you do. But you’re going about this the wrong way.”

“Pit has been possessed by a demon,” Rashida snarled. “If you let him experience its memories, it will take over his mind completely. You think you love him, don’t you? No… You love that demon. And that’s exactly what it wants, too.”

V.R. stared at Pit in horror. “A demon?”

“A Sue-wraith, specifically,” replied Sarah. “We thought you’d be the problem, but even though you’ve made  _ plenty _ of mistakes in this fanfiction, I’ll give you credit — your genuine interest in saving Pit is a good start. Contrasting that with your hatred of Palutena would have made for an interesting story.”

“Unless you want to be fed to a Tempura Wizard, you’ll have to leave this continuum and come with us,” said Rashida. “Don’t bother resisting — I’ve already pressed charges and I have both my gun and a portal to Medusa’s castle at the ready.”

The blonde angel took one look at Pit, and her purple eyes closed in pain. “I am  _ so _ sorry for this,” she said. With that, she raised her hand and slapped him in the cheek.

Pit recoiled and drew his bow. But when he raised it to fire at V.R.’s face, Sarah rushed in behind him and tickled his sides.

If she was trying to distract him, she was succeeding tremendously. Pit burst out in surprised laughter and then collapsed to the floor, clutching his ribs, while the Super agent stepped over him and grabbed V.R.’s hand, rushing her to safety.

“Smoke ‘em, Rosie!” Sarah cried. Rashida wasted no time, taking out a smoke bomb and hurling it at Pit. There was a loud  _ crack _ like a gunshot, and smoke filled the graveyard.

At once, something seemed to tear away from the prone angel, forming into a beast as tall as Cragalanche and black as Hades’ Heart. Its insectoid form looked like a hideous cross between a scorpion and a moth, with six spear-like legs, a single white eye in its mouthless head, sickly gray wings, and a skeletal tail with an enormous, blade-like scythe. The agents could also see an ominous white glow from deep within its body. As it hovered in place, it seemed to exude a melancholy aura that shocked everyone into a depressed stupor.

The Sue-wraith turned its terrible gaze upon the one who had cast the smoke bomb. Pulling out her gun, Rashida stared into its eye, and it stared back.

Sarah recognized the form of the Sue-wraith as being similar to the Chaos Kin, the entity that possessed Palutena and attempted to consume her in the aftermath of the Aurum invasion. But this creature was at least five times as big, and a single blow of its bladed appendages could kill her partner in an instant.

As the Super agent and the ex-Sue continued staring in horror at the scene unfolding before her, a voice seemed to emanate from the creature’s body, a voice that sounded exactly like the angel it had emerged from.

“ _ Again today, my wrists are stained with my own blood, _ ” it sang, the melody sounding like a dark reprise of Pit’s victory song prior to encountering the Lunar Sanctum. “ _ The memories, they break my mind just like a flood… _ ”

Rashida wanted to shoot the damn thing straight through its eye, but she just couldn’t. Her gun dropped to the floor, and she sank to her knees, remembering what had happened all those months ago. The pained cries of her fellow agents, the sight and smell of death all around her, the anger and mockery and hatred…

Sarah would swear she could see tears sliding down her partner’s face. The disguised Sphinx spread her arms, exposing her chest, exposing her heart.

“ _ All this pain I can’t endure, welling up from deep inside, / And all the world believes I’ve got nothing to hide… _ ”

Sarah wanted to do something, but her limbs felt like lead. Terrible thoughts began surfacing in her own mind, the arguments she had with her boyfriend back in her homefic, the feeling of being shredded by that jet engine, the awful blankness of spending fifteen years in a holding cell, knowing nothing about the world beyond her… And her brother, eaten by the imposter of her own best friend, who had secretly planned to betray them all along…

The  _ Impetus miserabilis _ shifted its stance, landing upon the tips of its legs like a giant spider, its tail blade raised high over its head. Sarah and V.R. could only watch in horror as Rashida closed her eyes, and waited for the end to come…

“Auto-Reticle!”

There was a flash of burning light, and the Sue-wraith howled in pain. Shocked out of her morose trance, V.R. seized her opportunity, taking out her knife and plunging it into the creature. Sarah dived for Rashida’s gun, aimed it at the Sue-wraith, and emptied the whole clip into its form as V.R. pulled the knife out and retreated. The creature attempted to slash at her with its hooked tail, but she’d made too many holes in its body.

Then the inside of the creature began to glow through its wounds, not with its own melancholy aura, but with a light as pure as the heavens. The Sue-wraith tried to stab the Super once again, but she rolled out of the way, knocking Rashida aside in the process. The pure light began growing stronger, enveloping its entire body, which toppled over and began to dissolve in black, smoldering embers, its legs curling inward like a dying insect. The Sue-wraith let out a final wailing cry of pain, and then it was gone, the glowing light remaining where it once stood.

Palutena and Sister January rushed into the scene. As the fog from Rashida’s smoke bomb faded, the pure light briefly turned wilver, as though struggling to decide whether it was Suvian or not, and then gradually coalesced into something the agents recognized, the eye-bleeding color fading into a more tolerable shade of stark white.

The new angel floated gently to the ground, where it was laid to rest next to the canon it had possessed a mere five minutes before. Pit was curled up peacefully, and his wings were no longer glittery, but his double had his limbs positioned awkwardly, like he’d fallen off a building. Bruises and deep cuts cris-crossed his body. The bullets that Sarah had fired at the Sue-wraith, along with V.R.’s knife, had formed a number of wounds upon his chest, abdomen, and one of his shoulders. Another shot had punctured his lower right leg down to the bone.

There was a moment of silence, as though in mourning. And then it was broken.

“It’s over,” Sister January said finally. “We have won.”

“But… why are there two angels?” asked Sarah.

“T-two Pits?” V.R. gasped. “But… how?”

Palutena looked down at him with a smile. “When you got rid of that beast,” she explained, “you were removing the essence of an alternate version of Pit who was created, and not born. I saw some potential in my creation despite all it had been through, so I purified it for you.”

“So you split the Sue-wraith into two parts,” Rashida noted. “The basic name and backstory created the other angel, and the bad characterization…”

“…has been taken care of, thanks to you two,” Palutena completed. “The injuries you inflicted upon the beast were the opening I needed to, oh, tear along the dotted line. Pit is now separate from Pit Edward White, as it should be.”

“It has been decided that Lady Palutena will no longer create angels,” said Sister January. “They shall be born, and live their whole lives as beings of light. And this one shall be relinquished to you two, and me along with it.”

“Wait. You’re joining us too?” asked Rashida.

“I have no more business here. I may be of better use helping others, like you do.”

Sarah gasped. “You know?”

“I am a Memory Keeper,” January smiled. “I always know.”

Pit slowly started to stir, but when he looked at the duplicate angel, his face screwed up in dismay. “Uhhh… Lady Palutena?”

“Yes, Pit?”

“It happened again, didn’t it?”

The agents stared at him. “Again?!” Rashida growled.

“Don’t ask, seriously,” said Palutena. “Anyway, we should be on our way. Pit needs a good, long break after this.”

“Wait, you’re not gonna let us take him to FicPsych first?” asked Sarah.

“No no, you can if you want,” the Goddess of Light said with a wink. “But remember, he knows just as much as I do. That’s the thing about our game — the fourth wall is as durable as a used tissue.”

The agents looked at each other and shrugged.

Pit turned to the agents, wiping his forehead in relief. “Thank you, all of you,” he said. “You guys are lifesavers, you know that?”

“Anytime!” Sarah waved cheerfully, taking the RA from Rashida and opening up a portal. “Now, in you go!”

Pit eagerly stepped through the portal. V.R. peered through after him as it closed in his wake.

“I’m gonna miss that angel,” she sighed sadly. “I love him, but he has to be with Palutena. And I don’t know if it’ll ever be the same, being with his double.”

“Don’t worry,” Rashida replied. “At least you didn’t get your head blown off.”

“Yeah, and I’m thankful for that. I have enough things to complain about as it is.”

“Why don’t you take them up with FicPsych?” Sarah suggested, opening up another portal for her. “They’ll help you out with anything! Even your issues with Lady Palutena.”

The former Sue glared at the goddess, who chuckled.

“Don’t think this changes anything,” V.R. growled. “I won’t forgive you for letting this happen to your servant. Consider yourself lucky this time.”

Sarah hastily took her aside before she could continue any further.

“By the way,” said the Super, “thanks for helping us out. Look, when you’re done with FicPsych, how interested would you be in working with us? We’ll pay you, we promise.”

V.R. looked somewhat doubtful, but then her face screwed up in regret. “It was my fault too,” she admitted. “I should have done something to save him sooner…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Rashida replied. “We’ll take care of you in no time. Now, in you go.”

With that, she pushed the angel Sue through the portal. A few moments later, Sister January and Panacea followed her as well.

“Anything else?” asked Palutena. “Anyone you still need to… remove?”

A thought occurred to Sarah just then. “Ohmigosh, I totally forgot! Hey Rosie, you mind if I stay behind for a sec? I’ll open up a portal so you can get Not!Pit to Medical, and I’ll join you in a few minutes.”

Rashida bowed to Palutena and nodded to Sarah. “Make it quick. We still need to give our fresh meat a little orientation.”

 

**********

 

James stood in his prison cell, awaiting the death penalty. He’d always figured it was going to involve an electric chair, or perhaps a syringe carrying a lethal poison.

He did not expect it to involve a ring of blue light opening up in front of him. And he certainly did  _ not _ expect a teenage girl to step through it and give his crotch a ball-busting kick.

He doubled over in pain, and then he felt her fingers close around his neck, and next moment, he was being lifted off the floor by a girl less than a third his age.

“Listen up, you sick  _ fuck, _ ” Sarah hissed, her face screwed up in pure, abject loathing, “by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of first-degree murder, attempted murder, rape, indirectly aiding and abetting a Sue-wraith, and giving me, my partner, and our brand new angel nurse friend more mental scars than a 70’s horror movie. Three guesses as to what’ll happen to you in less than ten seconds, and the first two don’t count.”

James made a strangled noise in his throat. The gleam in Sarah’s eyes turned murderous.

“Did you honestly think I’d do anything else?” she said quietly.

Two minutes later, the prison security warden rushed over to James’ cell… and found his bloody, mangled form slumped to the floor, every bone in his body completely shattered.

 

* * *

 

**Post-Mission**

 

Sarah stepped through the portal to Medical, just in time to see Panacea leaning over the copy of the angel she’d saved.

“Well, that was fun,” the Super agent said cheerfully. “Sort of. How’s he?”

“He’s lost a lot of blood, but he’ll be fine,” the dark-haired nurse replied. “His bullet holes were surprisingly easy to heal completely. And I’ve been told that Lady Palutena removed all traces of… ‘glitter’ from him. He’s just an alternate version of Pit now, and he should make a full recovery. He’ll have to spend the night here, though — his right tibia needs to knit.”

“Forget the medical technobabble,” said Sarah. “What about his personality?”

The door to Not!Pit’s ward opened up, and a cloaked figure stepped in.

“I see that the double is in good hands, physically,” said Sister January. “I can’t say the same about his mental state, though. Being a former Sue-wraith with a trajeck past has taken quite a toll.”

Sarah couldn’t help but smile. “You’re catching on, aren’t you?”

“Indeed. Anyway, Not!Pit’s depression has rendered him comatose once again, and I don’t know how to fix it this time. It may be possible that he may stay this way forever — unless we jump-start his memories, as was originally planned.”

Panacea looked up, suddenly fearful. “Forever?”

“I don’t know. I thought I was able to fix the memory block, but I still have a lot to learn, apparently.”

Sarah pulled up a chair at the foot of Not!Pit’s bed. His injured leg had been bandaged from knee to ankle, leaving his bare foot propped up in front of her.

“So, what’s going to become of this guy?” she asked, idly poking the sole of his foot.

“Given a little consultation, he should be able to work with us without too much trouble,” said Sister January. “For now, though, he needs to sort out his emotions. I’m afraid his drinking habits will be here to stay, though, since you stopped him before he could clear up everything himself.”

“But he won’t be cutting himself, though, right?”

January chuckled darkly. “All of the ‘emo’ traits of the Sue-wraith have been… set free, I should say. I wouldn’t worry about it too much.”

“Well, I’m glad for that.”

“So am I. Come, now, Panacea. We must meet the… ‘Flowers’, I believe that’s what the others called them. Rashida and Miss Greenfield are waiting for us.”

The nurse and the memory keeper left the ward, leaving Sarah alone with Not!Pit.

Sarah watched them leave, and then turned back to the former Sue-wraith, her heart feeling as heavy as a lump of iron. Not one of the characters they’d met today deserved what had they had witnessed or felt. Not even V.R.

Her fingernail was still touching his foot, and with a sad sigh, she let it slide down his soft, dough-colored sole, before standing up to leave.

…Wait. Did he just… giggle?

Sarah looked back at the sleeping angel, and noticed that the corners of his mouth had turned up just slightly. A fiendish grin crossed the Super’s face as an idea formed in her head, one that would hopefully solve everyone’s problems.

She sat down in front of his foot again and cracked her knuckles. And then, with only a pause to flex her fingers in anticipation, she wiggled all ten of her fingernails into his sole.

“WAHAHAHA! W-what the — ?!”

With a sudden peal of laughter, Not!Pit sat bolt upright in his bed, his foot instinctively curling away as he stared straight at her. She withdrew her hands, raising them in a gesture of mock surprise.

“Oh my goodness!” she said flippantly. “Pardon me, I wasn’t watching where my fingers were going!”

The angel blinked at her. “Are you… sure? ‘Cuz it really felt like you did that on purpose!”

“Okay, okay. You got me. I just wanted to see whether an  _ Impetus miserabilis _ was capable of laughing!”

Not!Pit gave her a totally confused look. “A what?”

Sarah gave him a disappointed pout, letting her hands drop to her lap. “You don’t know? Well, I guess I’ll have to start from the beginning. Well,  _ your _ beginning, anyway.”

“But I am Pit, the servant of the Goddess of Light,” he replied. “I’ve always been Pit for as long as I can remember. Lady Palutena created me.”

“Yeah, that’s the thing,” Sarah replied. “People can come up with the weirdest theories and ideas about the games and movies and books they love. And then they write stories about these things. We call them fanfiction, and we divide it into two categories: goodfic, which is well-written and plausible in the context of the world it’s set in, and badfic, which is… well, everything else.”

“Fanfiction,” Not!Pit repeated. “So, what does this have to do with me?”

“You said you were created, right? Well, that’s not technically true. We don’t know if Pit was created or born, because the creators of  _ Kid Icarus _ never said anything about that. But I know Pit was a little kiddie angel once. He can’t have lived as a human up until the age of 13, gotten murdered, and had his soul turned into an angel.”

Not!Pit blinked at her. “I was… murdered?”

“Well, not quite. You were actually a spirit that possessed the real Pit and implanted false memories into his head.”

His blue eyes widened, and he fell back into a supine position, covering his face with his hands. There was silence for a long moment, and then he spoke again. “What kind of memories were they?”

“Nothing too unusual,” said Sarah. “I checked what the fanfic said about you. Your name was Pit Edward White, and you were born on Memorial Day of May 25, 1971, to Andrew and Clara White. You had a sister, Sarah, who was three years older than you, and your family lived on a dairy farm in Kirby, Ohio. You started kindergarten at Riverdale, but you had a lot of trouble because you were diagnosed with dyslexia. Then, when you were about to turn fourteen, this meanie your sister was dating, James, broke into your house, shot you to death, and raped her.”

Not!Pit raised his head to look at her, looking horrified. “ _ NO! _ He  _ didn’t _ — ”

“I’m afraid so. He was tried and convicted, natch. Death penalty for rape and first degree murder, and of a fucking  _ child _ , no less. He was executed less than a half-hour ago.”

She folded her arms to conceal her hands balling up into fists, ignoring his cringing at her swear word.

Not!Pit sat up again, looking at her. “So… How did I become an angel?”

“A Sue-wraith, you mean?” Sarah replied. “That’s the term for spirits created by authors to force canonical characters into acting like they want them to. In this case, the history I just explained was tacked onto Pit to explain how he became an angel. Apparently, your soul was used along with sacred ingredients to create him, but she couldn’t split it up like she did with other angels because of your Heroic Sacrifice™. So you became an Undesirable — you can’t fly, you feel human emotions, and you retain the memories of your past.”

“But I thought you said I was a spirit who possessed Pit,” Not!Pit replied. “That doesn’t make sense.”

“Nope, it doesn’t,” Sarah admitted. “The past you gave him was so trajeck — the term we use for overly and annoyingly traumatic — that it contrasted with his character to near-fatal levels. You thus became an  _ Impetus miserabilis _ , a Sue-wraith who forces a trajeck past on canon characters to make others pity them. And when you tried to force the false memories into Pit, he reacted… badly, to say the least. Drinking, cutting himself, mood swings, the works. We had to force you away from him to save his character, and possibly his life.”

Not!Pit’s gaze fell, and his wings drooped sadly. “I only wanted to explain the truth,” he said. “I thought it would help him. I had no idea it would hurt him…”

“I’ll give you credit, though — You did the right thing, sacrificing yourself to save your sister. And your history as a human would have made for an interesting fanfic with a few steps in the right direction.”

She lightly walked two of her fingers across his foot again as she said that last sentence, making him giggle in spite of himself.

“So… that’s why I’m here?” Not!Pit asked. “Why I’ve become my own character?”

“More or less. We would have killed you otherwise. Again. But Lady Palutena decided your bravery and selflessness would make you a worthwhile investment, and she, well, cleaned you up, so to speak.”

Not!Pit shook his head in misery. “And to think my future looked so bright,” he sighed. “I was just  _ that _ close to freedom. But now… I just don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t worry. You’re with the Protectors of the Plot Continuum now, and you’ll become a better developed character in no time at all. We’ve got your back, Not!Pit.”

He smiled a little. “I’ll be the judge of that, I guess.”

“I still think it would be good to loosen up every once in a while, though. Say, what size are your feet?”

He wiggled his toes idly. “Thirteen in men’s. Why?”

“Well… You know what they say about guys with big feet, right?”

“What, that something else is bigger too?”

She blushed, taken completely by surprise. “Well… if you put it that way, yes,” she laughed, a little embarrassed. “But what I  _ meant _ to say was that guys with big feet tend to be more…  _ ticklish! _ ”

Not!Pit only had less than a second to realize that his naked, disproportionately large, and completely vulnerable foot was directly in front of her. And then he burst out laughing again, throwing his head back onto his pillow, while she raked her nails across his soles once more. His bound leg, held in place and set in a cast until the bullet wound healed over, prevented him from pulling his foot away.

Sarah scribbled and stroked her fingertips all over the soft skin of his sole and the pads of his toes, enjoying every second of his helpless hysterics. Within less than a minute, she managed to find all of his most ticklish spots: the portion of his arch that met the heel, the center of the arch, and the underside and stem of his pinky toe. His toes wiggled madly when she tickled the spot on his heel, and when she stuck a finger between his two smallest toes, his back actually arched as he shrieked at the ceiling, causing her to withdraw her hand hastily.

“Sorry, sorry!” she cried out. “Did I overdo it?”

Still gasping and panting, he wiped the sweat off his forehead. “I dunno… I guess this is what being ticklish is like?”

“Yep. And when I make you laugh like that, I’m tickling you!”

She stood up, walking over to his side, and poked Not!Pit lightly in the tummy. He giggled and tried to flinch away from her, but his body felt too weak. So he decided to distract her with a little more small talk.

“Y’know, given that you know so much about this Sue-wraith stuff and fanfiction and canons,” he said, “Are you a fanfic character yourself?”

“Yep. It’s a  _ looooong _ story, but I’ll explain once you get better. First off, though, I’m Sarah. Sarah Squall.”

“Nice to meet you, Sarah. So, this… tickling thing… It’s not from the fanfic you came from, isn’t it?”

“It was, actually. My author thought it would be fun to include that sort of stuff in the story. I’ve never been able to shake it off since! Anyway, you don’t have to stick to your old name anymore, now that you’ve become a character of your own.”

“Wait, you want me to come up with a new name?”

“Yep.”

He thought for a moment, and then sighed. “Nope, I’ve got nothing. I guess I’ll always be Pit Edward White.”

It was Sarah’s turn to think. “Hmmm. That first name needs to go, definitely. How ‘bout Cupid? Y’know, god of love, angel with a bow, Classical myth stuff?”

He looked at her skeptically. “That’s the dumbest name I’ve ever heard,” he said flatly. “I love it!”

“Great! But what about a last name? Surely, you don’t like the one you had in the badfic, right?”

“It wasn’t  _ bad _ ,” he mused. “But it wasn’t good either. I’m thinking of something more alliterative like your name. But I have no idea where to start…”

Sarah shrugged, and then opened her bag. The mini-Monoeye floated out, making Cupid gasp in shock.

“Sarah, look out!”

“Don’t worry. It’s not gonna hurt you. This is a mini — a creature created when a name is misspelled in a badfic. I thought it’d like to help.”

“Help? Help with what?”

Paluntena floated over to him, wrapped its tentacles around his wrist, and pulled his arm over his head.

“With getting you to think of a new name, of course!” she laughed. With that, she plucked a loose feather from his wing (“Ow!” he yelped), and began spidering her fingers over the Pit duplicate’s tummy, at the same time using the feather to tantalize his freshly exposed, uh, armpit.

His reaction was quite understandable.

“HAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GODDESSEHEHES HAHAHA! AIEEEE! HEHEHELLLP!”

“I won’t stop until you think of something, you adorable lil’ angel boy~! C’mon, get your creative juices flowing~!”

“All right, all right hahahahHAHAHA! I’LL THINK OF SOMETHING! S-STOHOHOP!”

Cupid struggled to think through his laughter, his cheeks turning bright red. Red… His former surname, White, was a color… What about a red color?…

“C-CARMINE!” he cried, making Sarah pause momentarily.

“Beg your pardon?”

Still gasping and panting, he raised his head to look at her again. “I like Carmine as a last name. It’s a red color, like the color of blood. I thought it would be a reminder of what I once did.”

“But isn’t making people cut themselves a  _ bad _ thing?”

“Nope!”

“Well, I guess that settles it,” she laughed. “I’m pressing charges.”

“And before you ask, I’m keeping the middle name of Edward,” Cupid giggled in reply, watching Sarah walk back to her chair with his feather in her hand. “I just think it sounds neat.”

“Fair enough,” she grinned, twirling the snow-white feather before sticking it between his two largest toes. Cupid yelped in hysterics, and then started guffawing again, slapping his palms against his mattress while the Super agent made her rounds. She weaved and sawed the fluffy feather between each of his toes practically once per accusation.

“Cupid Edward Carmine, formerly Pit Edward White, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a higher-order Sue-wraith, an  _ Impetus miserabilis _ , or any other synonyms thereof, on account of the following charges: Attempted subjugation of the canonical character of Pit; creating a trajeck backstory that’s inconsistent with said canon’s history; forcing Pit to act completely OOC as well as do things that would be more appropriate for  _ Conker’s Bad Fur Day  _ than the continuum your homefic took place in, namely by way of ‘memory sickness’; attempting to forge Twu Wuv between Pit and an OC (who has also been charged with being a Mary Sue, by the way); suggesting a method of creating angels that’s chock-full of unfortunate implications; and attempting to tie  _ all of that _ into the known canonical info in a poorly written manner, specifically for the sake of making people pity the person you were controlling.”

She paused, sticking the feather between his two smallest toes this time. Even this had him giggling uncontrollably. Paluntena, who had released Cupid’s arm, now wrapped a tentacle around his big toe and pulled it back, stretching his pale arch tight.

“For these crimes,” Sarah declared, “your punishment will be to have the living shit tickled out of you. Any last words, Cupid~?”

He had to cover his mouth with his fingers, chewing his bottom lip to hold in the giggles. “C-can we talk about this?”

She thought about it, and then shrugged. “Naw!”

Cupid was about to plead for her to spare him again, but he couldn’t even get the first word out before all ten of her fingers had dug into the sensitive connection between his arch and his heel. His toes wiggled instinctively with the feather trapped right next to his absolute worst spot. His back arched, and he let out a shrill scream before collapsing into total hysteria.

Sarah kept tickling that damn spot on his heel, and making his horribly sensitive pinky toe tickle itself in the process, for two more minutes before he finally cracked.

“I’M FINISHED!” he howled, tears streaming down his face as he began to feel light headed. “I’M FINISHED I’M FINISHED I’MFINISHED I’MFINISHEDI’MFINISHEDI’MFINISHED AIEEEEEEEHEHEHEHEEE!  _ HEHEHEHEEEEELLLP MEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEE!!! _ ”

The Super burst out laughing, pulling her hands away and waving her mini aside as well. “And  _ that, _ ” she chortled, “is how you defeat a trajeck Sue-wraith!”

Gasping for breath, Cupid lay there for several moments, and then coughed up the last remnant of glitter inside him in a puff of wilver smoke. “A  _ purified  _ trajeck Sue-wraith,” he panted. “There’s a difference.”

Sarah giggled at this. Apparently, her new friend had a talent for one-liners.

The growl from the door to the angel’s ward made both of them look around. For one brief moment, Sarah’s blood ran cold.

Rashida stood in the doorway, a very Not Amused look on her face. Behind her, Dr. Appleday, Panacea, Sister January, and Violet Rose Greenfield peeked into the ward as well.

“Ah, you’re awake!” the brunette doctor said, trying to lighten the mood a little. “And feeling a lot better, too, I should say.”

“We’ve talked to the Flowers about everything,” said Panacea. “We’ve been assigned new roles. I’m going to be in Medical, with you as my first patient for obvious reasons. Sister January will be off to FicPsych, and V.R. will be awaiting training as an agent — as will you, once you’re released sometime tomorrow.”

“We thought you’d be here a lot longer,” said Dr. Appleday. “Or at least holed up in FicPsych for a month, maybe even more. Being a veritable entity of depression usually isn’t good for your self-esteem.”

“Yeah, well…” Cupid chuckled nervously, pointing his big toe at Sarah. “I had a little… heheh… help. It’s not what it looks like, I swear!”

V.R. had given the Super a withering look.

“If you’re thinking about inviting him in…” the former Sue began, but January cut her off.

“She’s just trying to help, and she’s succeeded admirably. So, Not!Pit, I take it you’ve decided to become a character of your own?”

“Yep,” Cupid replied, weakly but cheerfully. “I even came up with a new name for myself. Cupid Carmine. Well, Sarah helped me pick it out, but still.”

Rashida gave her partner a ‘100% done with everything’ look. “I shouldn’t have left you alone with that thing,” she growled, ignoring Sarah’s offended scowl.

Cupid raised an eyebrow at the albino Sphinx. “Hey, at least it was her who woke me up, and not you,” he replied. “I don’t think you’d have been as effective at making me feel better.”

Rashida snarled at him, but decided not to waste her breath. Did he really know?

“Stupid badfic urges aside,” the Sphinx said to Sarah, “I owe you one for saving my life. Apparently, you aren’t as misguided as I thought. Thank you.” She bowed at her while saying that last sentence.

Sarah smiled at her partner. “Well, as Mr. Incredible once said, ‘Saving the day, one day at a time.’”

Rashida rolled her red eyes at her. “Anyway, I think we have to leave. Cupid needs his rest. And we still need to clean up after that idiot tin turkey. Let’s go, Sarah.”

Sarah’s eyes narrowed at the snide mention of her adopted brother, but she didn’t argue. As the others left Cupid’s ward to do their own thing, she gave him a last forlorn glance, and made to follow her partner back to their RC, Paluntena the mini-Monoeye floating along behind her.

“You don’t have to apologize for tickling me senseless,” Cupid said quietly.

Sarah stopped and looked at him apprehensively. “Why?”

He turned his head and simpered at her empathetically. “Well… Don’t tell this to anyone, but I liked… no, well, I… I really,  _ really  _ loved it.”

The Super agent blinked in shock. “You did?”

“I never thought a smile would feel so good after everything I went through,” the Sue-wraith-turned-angel replied, lying back upon his bed with a peaceful expression. “Thank you.”

Sarah’s face broke out into a wide grin of her own.  “Noooo problem, Angel Face!” she laughed, but just before she headed out the door, she stopped and turned her head to look at Cupid again. “Oh, and one more thing.”

“Yeah?”

She beamed at him. “Welcome to the PPC!”

 

#  **[END]**

* * *

****

Rescued characters:

        * Angela --> Panacea
        * Violet Rose "V.R." Greenfield (adopted by eatpraylove)
        * Pit Edward White --> Cupid Edward Carmine (adopted by SkarmorySilver)



Rescued minis:

      * _Kid Icarus_ (mini-Monoeyes) _:_
        * Paluntena (adopted by SkarmorySilver)



**Author's Note:**

> This mission actually gave me a pretty hard time, at least in the initial draft, mostly because while I knew the basic idea of what I wanted, I had no idea how to resolve it. The bit with Sarah suggesting that Pit had been both possessed and replaced at the same time is a bit of a development gag on my part, because that's exactly what I initially tried writing. I got a little confused in thinking that the two conditions were different instead of being two degrees of OOC, as some helpful posts on the Board informed me. Luckily, the direction I ultimately took with this mission gave me an opportunity to explore a little something new with Sue-wraiths, for reasons I'll explain in a bit. This fic is one of those that I found while actively searching for a particular topic (Pit getting drunk, please don't ask), and after reading through it a few times, I decided, well, why not? It's a good way of setting up a bit of a plot-bunny I had once for my personal writings, with Sarah and the canonical Pit being BFFs, but ultimately discarded due to the circumstances of the project it was a part of (namely, the story in question took place a few years prior to Pit's comeback in SSBB). I did't want to ditch the idea entirely, though, and the PPC was the perfect place for exploring it, so this mission happened. That and, well, putting Sarah and Rashida on the same team ultimately was't as smart as I thought, as it turns out. So one of them has to go (and it's not the cat), and Sarah will likely need a partner of her own once she gets her own RC.
> 
> In the interest of not selling this fic short, the concept that the writer probably had in mind, exploring Pit's backstory and how it would affect his canonical personality and history, is actually pretty interesting, and I think it can actually be done pretty well if you know how to handle it. I can see why people would want to imagine what Pit's human life was like, along with how he became an angel, and the history that was given for him actually is't as horrible as I expected, notwithstanding the obvious fact that mature themes got tangled up in the whole thing. My choice to purify the Sue-wraith that possessed him as opposed to killing it outright is actually a rather backhanded bit of constructive criticism, since in my opinion, his human history as given in the fic could work by itself, albeit with a few adjustments, but the author would probably need to make a lot more changes to apply it to the canonical version of him. This same verdict is also my reason for sparing V.R., rather than getting rid of her altogether (though I did debate back and forth about doing so for some time). I had a bit of trouble seeing her as Pit's love interest, since he never really had any romantic relationships in canon (and all of the females in the game caused him at least some trouble besides, even Palutena). However, the contrasting relationships with Pit and Palutena was a point of interest that I would have liked to see more of, because it would have created a moral dilemma that could add interest to her story rather than her being a blatant Sue. V.R. isn't terrible, but she still needs a bit of work to get right.
> 
> For me, the main failing of this fic, regardless of characterization, was its execution. A story that explains how Pit became an angel and explores the ramifications of such a history in a believable manner may be considered part of the goodfic category, depending on how consistent the backstory is with canon. A story that uses the same history - sorry, Memory Sickness - as an excuse to make him angst almost nonstop, however, is a whole different matter. Say what you will about it being an excuse, but I just did't like how that little ailment was handled. PTSD, flashbacks, and recurring nightmares are already good ways to establish a backstory-related conflict, so why a made-up condition that turns you an emo, self-harming drunkard? My guess is that this was intended to be a Hurt/Comfort fic, but it really seems like overkill if you ask me.
> 
> This fic actually was't as bad as I'd expected, all things considered, but in all honesty, I think the author ended up trying too hard despite its potential. It's a shame, really, because reading it a second time and noticing the positives for the first time really gave me hope for it until all of its faults ended up dragging it back down to badfic territory. It has its strong points, it has its weak points, but alas, the latter outweigh the former, even if that is't actually saying as much as I feared it would.
> 
> Also, shortly after this mission was completed, the badfic in question was deleted for reasons unknown. Everything I was able to salvage, along with a brief summary of everything else I remember, is available for viewing [here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wEmaK6SiYr0VtJAZ7mQjSeix-EL3YmzRURnZDyQyxOo/edit?usp=sharing).
> 
> -SkarmorySilver


End file.
